Revelation # 625

It has recently occurred to me that a man approaching middle-age, who is out of work, unmarried, and has moved back home with his elderly parents, should never be contemplating a set of bongos on Craig’s List, no matter how much of a bargain they are.

The best correspondence I have ever read, courtesy of Groucho Marx who tired of Warner Brother's lawyers harrasing the Marxes for the film "A Night In Casablanca."

 

Lester Bangs once wrote of listening to Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music" after a long night of drinking, in order to prepare himself for what the hangover would be like the next day. I consider Scott Bartlett's 1967 film "OffOn" the video equaivalent of Bangs' statement. You've been warned.

Quick! Someone alert the National Council on Safety!! by Fred Hagemeister

                                  (above)  the writer at eleven months with father                                      First off, I find child endangerment horrific. But when advertisers intentionally prey on a parent’s fear of child neglect, ala 20^th century ads- I dig it. We're hardwired to protect our young from danger. So when ad agencies pair an infant with a lion to push a "gentle, yet tough" brand of  dog shampoo, we're scanning the ad from instinct alone. I admire that level of shadiness. Also, advertisers know what everyone else knows: babies are cute and get our attention even if we don't care about the soft drink they're next to. Overall, my favorite ads are the 50's ones, which scream to weary housewives:  Thank goodness for progress, it makes taking care of baby even easier!
       I apologize for not citing the few blogs I culled these images from. Just plain forgot, although most of them are public domain. Not all are ads, some are just babies in perilous situations placed on graphs and whatnot.
This is also set up to help misses Jeni Emery with an art project she is considering. Enjoy!
LET THE ENDANGERMENT....... BEGIN!

Jesus Christ! Who finds an injured infant endearing?

CORN SYRUP IS FORTIFYING, BUT WHAT ABOUT THEIR DIETARY COCAINE AND ALCOHOL NEEDS?

KEEP FIREARMS NEARBY FOR SAFETY:

  NOW, KEEP BABY FAR FROM FIRE.....

.....BUT, DON'T "SUN STARVE" YOUR BABY!

Ah, mother and child bonding..Oh, wait, mom's making cream while baby's being fed from some cold, robotic contraption. I'm sure he'll grow up well adjusted. Actually, I think the perfume spewing vacuum  cleaner is a good idea. And now: SMOKING...

EVEN I'M FREAKED OUT BY THIS DU PONT CELLOPHANE AD. I THINK IT'S THE STUPID LOOKING ONE POKING THE BAG THAT MAKES ME FEAR ASPHYXIATION HAS SET IN....

And now, the  Pièce de résistance!!!! SODA, AND ITS WHOLESOME NOURISHMENT YOUR BABY REQUIRES:

FROM THE AD:"This young man is 11 months old -and he isn't our youngest customer by any means. For 7-Up is so pure, so wholesome, you can even give it to babies and feel good about it. Look at the back of a 7-Up bottle. Notice that all of our ingredients are listed (That isn't required of soft drinks, you know -but we're proud to do it, and we think that you're pleased that we do). By the way, mom, when it comes to toddlers -if they like to be coaxed to drink their milk, then try this: Add 7-Up to the milk in equal parts, pouring the 7-Up gently into the milk. It's a wholesome combination -and it works! Make 7-Up your family drink. You like it...it likes you!"

FROM THE AD: "For a better start in life -start cola earlier! How soon is too soon? Not soon enough. Laboratory tests over the last few years have proven that babies who start drinking soda during that early formative period have a much higher chance of gaining acceptance and "fitting in" during those awkward pre-teen and teen years. So, do yourself a favor. Do your child a favor. Start them on a strict regimen of sodas and other sugary carbonated beverages right now, for a lifetime of guaranteed happiness. -The Soda Pop Board of America. Also: -Promotes Active Lifestyle!, -Boosts Personality!, -Gives Body Essential Sugars!"*
*I have a feeling this last advertisement is a hoax. It's still awesome though. -Fred Hagemeister

And Now a Word From Our Sponsor:

 

So, you're about to be raptured. But who's going to care for your pets? Pets aren't allowed into heaven. Our team of animal care specialists will see to it that all your pets are fed and cared for long after you've entered the afterlife. And we do it all free of charge. Simply send Pet Care* a copy of your address and house key. In no way will our specialists just sit on your couch and watch free cable. We’re highly trained professionals. Mr. Binky will be in very good hands.  

*Pet Care, a division of the Wide World Animal Fight Championship. WWAFC: Coming Soon-Shakedown 2011-Parrott versus Terrier!! Who You Calling a Cracker?

Rapturites! Heed my voice! In doomsdays past, believers gladly gave away all their earthly possessions beforehand. Since it's for real this time, I will gladly take an Orange amp off anyone's hands. Help a sinner out.

I'm sure it's just a tiny dog, but it sounds like a monkey is fighting a mid-sized dog in my backyard.

False alarm. A mid-sized dog is barking at a very vocal squirrel. Apparently he's had enough. In Lynn, even the squirrels are mouthy. Oh wait, it's 7pm, Friday. He's drunk.

THE RAPTURE: MAY 21ST

                                                                                                    painting by Victor Mottez

So The Rapture is happening on the 21st. How annoying would it be if at dawn hosts of angels announce it with vuvezulas?

 

 

You'd be in bed, sleeping, "Wh-wha? Wha? AHHHHHHHH! GIANT BEE! Oh, wait.... It's just The Raputre. I'll deal with it in the afternoon."

And America Watches Bin Laden Watch Himself on Television

This signifies something about the 21st century world, but damned if I know what it is.