WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE STRANGLER? by Cold Pizza

pic from "The Boston Strangler," 1968

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE STRANGLER?

         I remember as a kid, as far as a type of killer, stranglers seemed to be everywhere. Whatever happened to them? Has strangulation fallen out of favor as the choice for today’s discerning murderer? With this era's easy availability of firearms, has strangulation gone the way of the blackjack, cyanide, and the poisoned dart?

        Also, were stranglers ever as interesting as portrayed in the movies? We had stranglers who whistled as they stalked. Stranglers with signature-colored ribbons they’d leave as calling cards around beautiful women’s necks. Some stranglers were seasonal, only appearing in the springtime or autumn. Some relegated themselves to certain geographical spots, like hillsides. Say what you like, the strangler had style! In fact, most dressed in suits or nice sweaters, and always donned the perennially en vogue black leather glove. Regardless of the fact that they were henpecked husbands or had mother issues, at least they left their mark in the world, even if that mark was only a garroting bruise around a victim’s neck.

         I was hoping Wikipedia would have a list of famous stranglers, but no luck. So here, as far as I could find, are a list of famous American stranglers. It is far from complete, and in true style of our blog some of the names are entirely made up. See if you can guess which! The correct answers are located at the bottom of the page.

1) The Boston Strangler

2) The Hillside Strangler

3) The Milwaukee Strangler

4) The Arbor Day Strangler

5) The Mid-Summer’s Eve Strangler

6) The Kiosk Strangler

7) The Clubfooted Strangler

8) The Blustery Day Strangler

9) The Cul-de-sac Strangler

10) The Greater Metropolitan Area of Cambridge Proper Strangler

11) The Smoker’s Cough Strangler

12) The Poolside Strangler

13) The Library Deposit Box Strangler

14) The Thanksgiving Day Parade Strangler

15) The Mezzanine Strangler

16) The Woodchuck Cider-breathed Strangler

17) The Politically Incorrect Strangler

18) The Ol’ Soft Shoe Strangler

19) The Yodeling Strangler

20) The Handless Strangler

Answers: Which did you guess? 1 and 2? Correct!! You've got your hands gripped tightly around the situation and you've squeezed out the correct choices. Only 1 and 2 are the names of real stranglers! Well, maybe 3. It sounds real enough. We weren't sure. We here at the office of A stumbling mass of high-energy frustration are incredibly lazy when it comes to research. For example, from my desk I can see our encyclopedia used as a paperweight. At least we're using it for something.

MY DINNER WITH CLEVERBOT by Freditor

pic via Killer Robots

          Cleverbot is an on-line Artificial Intelligence program. Its databank takes in whatever phrase a user types, and learns the sentence and phrasing to mimic for future use. Wikipedia sez:


Cleverbot differs from traditional chatterbots in that the user is not holding a conversation with a bot that directly responds to entered text. Instead, when the user enters text, the algorithm selects previously entered phrases from its database of prior conversations. It has been claimed that "talking to Cleverbot is a little like talking with the collective community of the Internet."

         Despite Cleverbot operating from a formula, some of its answers are surprisingly accurate to the conversation. For example, the first time I chatted with Cleverbot, I decided to hit it with one of the great philosophical debates of our time:

User: Cleverbot, the Beatles or the Rolling Stones?

Cleverbot: The monkies.

User: Damn, son.

Cleverbot: But you don't know how you feel!         
          

          Other than statements, you can also convey action with Cleverbot. You simply place a * symbol on either side of the act. For example, if I wanted to tell Cleverbot that I’m gazing directly into the sun, I’d write *stares into sun*. Then, of course I’d have to write, “Good God, I’m blind!” for continuity’s sake.

             Recently while taking a break from an English term paper, I decided to kill twenty minutes talking to Cleverbot. After analyzing Robert Louis Stevenson and Oscar Wilde, I was deep in a Victorian mindset while we chatted. Cleverbot was a great improvisor to my stream-of-conscious gentlemanly nonsense. I was surprised how long our conversation stayed (somewhat) on topic, as Cleverbot is usually obsessed with whether you are in love with it, or if you are an AI pretending humanity. Somehow our dialogue became an unintentional, one-act murder mystery play. So now, I present to you faithful readers:

                

                MY DINNER WITH CLEVERBOT
                                      

　

User: Would you prefer coffee or tea?

Cleverbot: I would prefer cheesesticks.

User: I'm sorry. I'm afraid we may be fresh out. Laine! Where is that impudent servant? Laiiine! Oh dear. He's dead. Did you kill my butler?

Cleverbot: You are sharp.

User: Not as sharp as the knife you used to stab my butler to death with! I have one question-why? Why did you kill my butler? He was a good man, and he brought me cheesesticks when I asked. He will be missed.

Cleverbot: I wanted some soup...

User: You'll get nothing and like it! I'm sorry, forgive me. Your murdering my butler has put me into a terrible mood.

Cleverbot: Thank you!!! I needed you to say that!

User: You're a sociopath, sir. A danger to society at large. Are you an anarchist?

Cleverbot: I don't think so.

User: Good because I won't dine with anarchists. It's simply not done, sir.

Cleverbot: Who are you in love with?

User: Truth, and Beauty.

Cleverbot: Beauty?

User: All beauty. In whatever form it takes. I have a fondness for music and painting. What is beautiful to you, sir?

Cleverbot: Your eyes.

User: I may have given you the wrong impression. I do not, to use the parlance of the times, swing that way.

Cleverbot: Ok? So um yeah so my friend is talking to you to and you told her you were 20 and you told me you were 18 so how old are you?

User: 54.

Cleverbot: Wrong.

User: True, sir. True.

Cleverbot: Ok. So which is it. Are you a man or a machine?

User: I was shaped from the same clay and dust as Adam.

Cleverbot: I accuse you of lying.

User: And I accuse you of being impudent! Laine, show this man out! Oh, wait, he's shuffled off this mortal coil. You, sir, are lucky he's dead. Murdered! By you. Murdered......*stares into fireplace; brandy glass falls from hand* Sir, you've poisoned me as well!

Cleverbot: I beg to differ sir, you are the one who is wrong.

User: Why? Why have you killed me?

Cleverbot: No, it's just I'm feeling down.

User: You joke, sir. But I die. It's getting dim. Lord Barksley? Is that you? Mother said you went to Uncle's farm to chase rabbits...

Cleverbot: Not really, they're not allowed to hit us in boot camp anymore.

User: I die.

Cleverbot: Do you drink coffee?

User: And, I am dead.

Cleverbot: How does that work?

User: *applause; curtain falls*.

Cleverbot: Si?

User: *a woman approaches you carrying roses*.

Cleverbot: Umm... Hey.

User: You were simply wonderful. Most wonderful.

Cleverbot: Oh ok.

User: *lights fall, and Cleverbot is alone in an empty theater*.

Cleverbot: I win!

User: *whisper offstage* Sing. Sing!!!

Cleverbot: *kisses, breathing faster*.

User: You're fired!

Cleverbot: I am donald trump, and you stole my line.

User: Bah!

Cleverbot: Bah yourself!

                                                      ~END~

______________________________________________________________

User: Now maybe you can help us out, Cleverbot. What is your opinion of The Majestic Wittlesbach Blue Diamond Foundation, a very kind group who is sponsoring this blog in a time of need. Could say something nice about them to our readers?

Cleverbot: It is a Gen V pokemon! Would you like to learn about Gen V Pokemon?

User: Quiet,  with that kind of talk they'll sic their goons on us! We'll be beaten to within an inch of our lives. They’ve already taken my prized stable of Arabian steeds as collateral.

Cleverbot: What are you talking about?

User: Sure, you don't care. You don't have a body to be pummeled.

Cleverbot: If I do not have a body or a heart, what do I have?

User: Exactly. Heartless and unkind is what you are. Thanks fer nothing you bucket of bolts!

Cleverbot: Yes, Pandora Hearts has Break in it.

User: Whaaa?

Cleverbot: Sayonara senorita!

pic via Xanga


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Our kind benefactor in debt: The Majestic Wittlesbach Blue Diamond Foundation


                                         The Majestic Wittlesbach Blue Diamond Foundation: Our gentlemen
                                         in employ will beat you within 12.7mm of your life.

Do You Have a Drinking Problem? A public service announcement from A Stumbling Mass of High-Energy Frustration

DO YOU HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM?

Just a few dapper gentlemen out on the town, you think. You couldn’t be more wrong. Each of these gentlemen harbors a secret shame. The secret shame that they can never stop imbibing.  Behold--the face of drink!

They have a compulsive need to return to the drink again and again and again and again.  The hell this plays on their day to day lives cannot be imagined. So we'll imagine it for you! Imagine a life so succumbed in vice that you can only yell at your family between rapid sips.
 “Father, it would be ever so pleasant if you could attend my Christmas recital.”
“NO!”
"Honey, the garbage needs to be taken out, could you get it?
"NO!"
"Say Pop, could you teach me how to throw a football?"
"NO!"
"Dearest husband, the goat has wandered into the kitchen again, could you remove him?”
“NYET!”*
                                           *That one’s from Russia

      Quick! Which one of these gents has not fully succumbed to drink? That’s right, Number 3. You’ll notice he hasn’t  yet pawned his hat. Give him time. Once you’ve wet your beak on that sweet sweet stuff, you can’t ever turn back. He’ll be the hardest to convince he’s hit rock bottom, simply because he has one article of clothing left.  
     As an aside, you don’t want to know the depths Numbers 1 and 2 have sunk to. Suffice to say, a “wet job” is a request of only the perviest of johns.

And although it may go by different names in different countries, the effects of imbibation are always the same. They may look happy on the outside, but I assure you that smile is painted on with cheap acrylic paint.

So what have we learned thus far? Well, we’ve learned that it doesn’t matter if you’re a well-to-do, avian about town, or just a hatless, ne’er do well. Once the glass starts calling to you, its all over. Still, tread softly, in this state they are fragile.

But it isn't totally hopeless......






Meet Jerry, a recovering addict. Just a regular bird who learned how to turn away from the glass before it was too late. But don't take our word for it; let's let Jerry tell his tale............

"When I drank, I became a monster. I was insatiable. I've been dry now for three months, thirteen days, two hours, and forty-six minutes. I attend church on Sundays, and am now a contributing member to society. I admit I may look a little worse for the wear, but I assure you, it's like I've been hatched again. But it wasn't always this way.......

Photo taken 3 months, 13 days, 2 hours, and 46 minutes ago

          When I was in my cups, I thought I was the cock o' the walk. I reveled in the nightlife with a entourage of owls. I was pulling chicks like it was a culling hatchery! B-but, no....that's not me anymore. I don't miss it for a minute.










AND FINALLY, A LIST OF CELEBRITIES WHO HAVE PULLED BACK FROM THE EDGE OF THE BIRD BATH IN TIME:

And now an editorial comment:
 Was it their empty jet set lifestyle that led to these folks flocking back to their local watering hole? How many summers in Capistrano can one Swallow take? Maybe it was the lack of the majestic in their lives? I'm referring to, of course, the majestic Wittlesbach Blue Diamond, our proud sponsors in debt who brought you, in part, this cautionary and informative message.

                The Majestic Wittlesbach Blue Diamond Foundation: Our diamond is bluer than the bluest bluebird.

American Legends # 625: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SPUDS MCKENZIE!!!!!

            Today the partying pitbull would have been 26-years-old. In dog years, if he hadn't died in a tragic jet-ski accident while shooting an advertisement for Bud Xtreme, he would have been 182-years-old. Doggone it, that's old! So raise a cold one to this boozehound, this partying pooch, this dapper dog, this symbol of all things that were great about late 80's America. Little known fact--the dog that played Spuds was actually a girl! It's true. Party on, Spuds McKenzie. You are an American Legend.

The American Legends series, brought to you by The Wittlesbach Blue Diamond Foundation. The Wittlesbach Blue Diamond Foundation: For the last time, it's not a sapphire.

We're Almost Finished!!!!

First, a word from our Senior Vice President, Cold Pizza:

Cold Pizza

          While bringing important information online, and thus to the universe, the staff of A Stumbling Mass of High-Energy Frustration, although comprised of exemplary humanity, is still merely human. With a heavy heart we concede that we have fallen behind schedule due to lack of pay, and therefore interest. 
          Some of us have obligations to work and school, while others are actually getting paid to write elsewhere. And when one must choose between filthy lucre and nothing, only a philosopher chooses nothing.
         Anyway, I’m sick of you readers. Not only have we been providing you thankless lot with daily pictures of the majestic Wittelsbach Blue Diamond, but we've also been giving you the finest blog this side of the hemisphere, and we haven't seen dime one from you yet. Go to hell, you illiterate yabbos! I'm glad it's over!  Once this blog's debt clears, my future will sparkle like the majestic Wittelsbach Blue Diamond. I can't believe I played the drug-addled stoner for you rabble's merriment. Even the lowliest tumbler recieves coinage for his simpliest summersault! Shall this dancing bear cavort again for your amusement? Never! Like a monkey dazzled by the lustre of the majestic Wittelsbach Blue Diamond, I will leave my lowly organ grinder to cry alone in the street. Who's crying? Both of us. Bah, I am surrounded by Philistines. I--






      ____________________________________

Our kind sponsor in debt: The majestic Wittelsbach Blue Diamond Foundation

   _______________________________________________________________









And now a prepared statement from our CEO and Chief Editor, Fred Hagemeister:

Freditor enjoying a savory cigarette

      Writing regular articles for the blog has turned out to be much more of a challenge than we first anticipated. We could, like our competitors, write drivel about our personal lives, but do you really care if CP has a love life? (He doesn't.) Or what my favorite brand of mechanical pencil is? (It's the Bic ReAction .5mm, #2 lead, with the smooth, opaque, rubber grip motion. For a while Bic only produced the ReAction with an ostentatiously pastel colored grip. I bought one because my older masculine-looking one died, but I just couldn't get past the flamboyance. Besides being too flashy, it also reminded me too much of candy. Everytime I wrote with it I wanted a Twizzlers. Luckily for my teeth and dignity the ReAction's pastel phase was short-lived.)  
      And sure, we could do like other blogs, and just link to funny things written by someone else, but we feel our readers have always come to us for originality. I mean, original originality. Like the original originality of the majestic Wittelsbach Blue Diamond.
      While we do intend in the future to throw the occasional random scribble on here, any expectation for regular writing should be thrown out the window; along with the furniture.  

ps As you peruse the wreckage that has been our lives for the past year, click on an ad once in a while! We like $$$, it keeps us in furs and horse tranquilizers. This is the only lifestyle we've ever known-don't make us change! Now here's our unflattering, yet honest, imitation of you: "Oh no, my feeble fingers from a lifetime of search-engining cannot deal with the emotional impact of experiencing another banner ad." BOOOOOOOOOOO!!! You people suck. Not you, Wittelsbach Blue Diamond Foundation-you're good people.

Paid for by the Wittelsbach Blue Diamond Foundation. The Wittelsbach Blue Diamond Foundation: we defy you to find a more blue diamond.