Do You Have a Drinking Problem? A public service announcement from A Stumbling Mass of High-Energy Frustration

DO YOU HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM?

Just a few dapper gentlemen out on the town, you think. You couldn’t be more wrong. Each of these gentlemen harbors a secret shame. The secret shame that they can never stop imbibing.  Behold--the face of drink!

They have a compulsive need to return to the drink again and again and again and again.  The hell this plays on their day to day lives cannot be imagined. So we'll imagine it for you! Imagine a life so succumbed in vice that you can only yell at your family between rapid sips.
 “Father, it would be ever so pleasant if you could attend my Christmas recital.”
“NO!”
"Honey, the garbage needs to be taken out, could you get it?
"NO!"
"Say Pop, could you teach me how to throw a football?"
"NO!"
"Dearest husband, the goat has wandered into the kitchen again, could you remove him?”
“NYET!”*
                                           *That one’s from Russia

      Quick! Which one of these gents has not fully succumbed to drink? That’s right, Number 3. You’ll notice he hasn’t  yet pawned his hat. Give him time. Once you’ve wet your beak on that sweet sweet stuff, you can’t ever turn back. He’ll be the hardest to convince he’s hit rock bottom, simply because he has one article of clothing left.  
     As an aside, you don’t want to know the depths Numbers 1 and 2 have sunk to. Suffice to say, a “wet job” is a request of only the perviest of johns.

And although it may go by different names in different countries, the effects of imbibation are always the same. They may look happy on the outside, but I assure you that smile is painted on with cheap acrylic paint.

So what have we learned thus far? Well, we’ve learned that it doesn’t matter if you’re a well-to-do, avian about town, or just a hatless, ne’er do well. Once the glass starts calling to you, its all over. Still, tread softly, in this state they are fragile.

But it isn't totally hopeless......






Meet Jerry, a recovering addict. Just a regular bird who learned how to turn away from the glass before it was too late. But don't take our word for it; let's let Jerry tell his tale............

"When I drank, I became a monster. I was insatiable. I've been dry now for three months, thirteen days, two hours, and forty-six minutes. I attend church on Sundays, and am now a contributing member to society. I admit I may look a little worse for the wear, but I assure you, it's like I've been hatched again. But it wasn't always this way.......

Photo taken 3 months, 13 days, 2 hours, and 46 minutes ago

          When I was in my cups, I thought I was the cock o' the walk. I reveled in the nightlife with a entourage of owls. I was pulling chicks like it was a culling hatchery! B-but, no....that's not me anymore. I don't miss it for a minute.










AND FINALLY, A LIST OF CELEBRITIES WHO HAVE PULLED BACK FROM THE EDGE OF THE BIRD BATH IN TIME:

And now an editorial comment:
 Was it their empty jet set lifestyle that led to these folks flocking back to their local watering hole? How many summers in Capistrano can one Swallow take? Maybe it was the lack of the majestic in their lives? I'm referring to, of course, the majestic Wittlesbach Blue Diamond, our proud sponsors in debt who brought you, in part, this cautionary and informative message.

                The Majestic Wittlesbach Blue Diamond Foundation: Our diamond is bluer than the bluest bluebird.