ONE FISH, TWO FISH

                    #7 in a series of daily one-act plays

[ACT I, Scene I, a playwright pitches his play to a potential financer]

FINANCER: That's the play? A salmon? A fish as the main character?

PLAYWRIGHT: Yes.

FINANCER: A salmon who contemplates America as he swims through all the rivers bordering its biggest cities?

PLAYWRIGHT: Yessir.

FINANCER: A salmon who has lived for more than 200 years and observed all of our country's major political events?
PLAYWRIGHT: That is correct.

FINANCER: A salmon who contemplates environmental issues, through song, including a number with chorus girls dressed as various aquatic life?

PLAYWRIGHT: With all due respect, I thought it the best way to convey the message.

FINANCER: And you won't budge on the title: "America-Something Fishy's Goin' On."

PLAYWRIGHT: I will not.

FINANCER: Sir, I won't lie to you. I've seen a lot of plays cross my desk, but I must tell you-I will not finance this. I will not finance it not because I do not like it, but because it hits too close to home. For you see, sir; I too, like your main character, am a fish.

[financer unzips his body from the top of his head, and a salmon is revealed underneath, the fish flips around on the desk]

PLAYWRIGHT [relieved]: Well then, you, out of anyone, can understand it. For you see, it's not just my play-it's my autobiography.

[Playwright unzips as well and flips around in his chair]

[lights cut  to only red, white and blue]

[chorus girls dressed as Abe Lincoln appear holding sparklers. They sing Yankee Doodle Dandy, while the fishes flip around]

[the fish are finally placed in a tank by a smiling chorus girl at song's end]

                                      (curtain)
                                             
                                                   

SCHOOL DISSEMBLY

             #6 in a series of daily one scene, one-act plays

[ACT I, Scene I, school assembly]

PRINCIPAL: Parents, teachers, school faculty and students of Ronald James Dio High, I regret to inform you that I must call this assembly to an early close. There is a ferret loose in the school, and we fear he may be rabid.

LOCAL REPORTER [stands up]: How do we know he's rabid?

PRINCIPAL: Why else would a ferret enter a school? [gestures toward doors] Ladies, gentlemen, please exit in a calm manner, single file. There isn't much time.

FERRET [ from offstage]: SQEEEEEEEEEEAK!

[all lights out; screams]

[lights return to an empty stage]


                                              (curtain)

                                              

GODDAMN THIS PLACE AND GODDDAMN YOU!

           #5 in a series of daily one scene, one-act plays

[ACT I, Scene I, a disciplinary meeting in Heaven]


GOD: I'm sorry, we're going to have to demote you from overseeing Limbo.


ANGEL: Yeah, well, the title was misleading anyway. There was no bamboo pole or calypso drummer in sight, it's nothing but crying babies and aether.


GOD: And that's another thing, you can't be smoking and drinking around the infants.

ANGEL: Who cares? They're dead!

GOD: That's not the point.

ANGEL: Screw this noise. [tosses halo at God and walks out]


                                                  
                                        (curtain)
                         
                                    

THE FUTURE WAS TOMORROW

               #4 in a series of daily one scene, one-act plays



[ACT I, Scene I, Los Alamos Desert, a corporate party to launch a sattelite]


TEXACO CEO [smashes champagne bottle against satellite]: I hearby christen thee, X-25437-P9!

[quick countdown & satellite roars into space; crowd cheers]


SCIENTIST: Goodbye, my son.


TEXACO CEO: Due to budget cuts, I'm sorry, but you're all fired.

                                           
                                             (curtain)

                                                   

SCORPIONS BEFORE SWINE

               #3 in a series of daily one scene, one-act plays

[ACT I, Scene I, the desert at sunset]

COWBOY [shoots up a cactus silhouetted like a person]

THE DEVIL: I'm not impressed.

                                            (curtain)

                                                     

WHEN THERE'S NO MORE ROOM TO SELL

                     #2 in a series of daily one scene, one-act plays

[Act I, Scene I, castle]


VAMPIRE: [rises from coffin]


GHOST OF BRAM STROKER: Prepare to be sued for copyright infringement!


VAMPIRE: Bleh! [recoils, falls back into coffin, lid slams]
                                             
                                     [curtain]

                             
                                                     

THE EIGHTH DAY

                    #1 in a series of daily one scene, one-act plays



[ACT I, Scene I: God wakes up on the eight day]

GOD [looking down]: I wonder how Man's doing?

MAN: Why? Why do I exist? What does it all mean?

GOD: QUIET YOU!
                              
                                   (curtain)