Polar Bear skit
[Handheld shot follows mild-mannered looking guy as he nervously walks down street, discretely glancing around corners and sweating]
Narrator:
Hugh Barbagallo has a fear- An irrational fear of polar bear attacks. Mr. Barbagallo lives in a small town in Massachusetts, where there has never been any record of polar bear attacks, much less a sighting. Still, due to news reports about global warming’s effects on bear migration patterns, Mr. Barbagallo believes it is simply a matter of time until they move into his neighborhood. Mr. Barbagallo is no scientist. Instead, he is a tragic victim of the information age.
[ High shot following Barbagallo in supermarket parking lot. He rants to a teenage employee pushing ten shopping carts. The kid looks bored as he tries to ignore Barbagallo walking alongside him]
Barbagallo:
I could be returning to my car, with a bag full of groceries like this, and BAM! from the blindside of the carriage coral there, a polar bear could emerge.
[Next scene, Barbagallo is standing in his apartment next to a coat rack. He is wearing a ridiculously large overcoat & puts peanut butter jars into each pocket]
Narrator:
He has a system set up. He has read that bears have a fondness for peanut butter, and so, at all times, he carries a jar with him …
[Cut to next scene]
[In an office. Shot over back of Barbagallo’s head, who is sitting down and facing his boss. We can’t hear what Barbagallo says over narration, but can tell from head movement that Barbagallo is talking]
[His boss faces the camera, leaning back in his chair, with hands clasped in mock attention, & nodding politely to this crazy employee. There are two peanut butter jars on the boss’s desk, all on Barbagallo’s side.]
Narrator
continues over this scene:
…usually more than one jar. He places it within easy reach wherever he goes.
[ Long office shot. Barbagallo is unscrewing third jar while looking around office.]
Barbagallo:
Did you know polar bears, when enraged, can charge at speeds of 25 Miles per Hour?
[ Close up of boss nodding and smiling. Cut to extreme close-up shot of the bosses’ finger pushing a silent alarm button under desk]
Narrator:
He has since lost his job….
[Handheld shot of Barbagallo awkwardly walking to elevator with box full of personal belongings. As the doors open, he steps back, unscrews a can of peanut butter from box, and tosses it into the open doors, not unlike a grenade.
[Low facial extreme close-up of his eyes expectant, looking to left and right, sweat appears, heavy breathing, heartbeat sound.]
[Cut to long shot of same elevator lobby. Old lady, as she passes by, scowls at him and steals the elevator. As doors are closing she looks disgusted and kicks jar of peanut butter out at him]
[Next scene, his dimly lit bedroom. Barbagallo sits at a computer. There is a map of Canada/N. America on an easel next to the computer desk. Burrito wrappers litter the floor.]
Narrator:
He monitors news, on-line reports, and science chat groups for breaking information on polar bears.
[Close-up shot, he is close to the screen to read a report with the monitor light reflecting off his glasses. He is eating a burrito]
Barbagallo
(whispers while reading online reply) Polar bear’s migration patterns have shifted South [chuckles crazily in assertion of being right] but in answer to your question, no they have never been spotted in MA.[ begins to lose heart] In actuality they have never.. been… seen… below the tip of Canada?
[Barbagallo frowns. Camera goes to long shot of the room. Barbagallo gets up from his chair and turns to the easel. Camera cuts to the easel map of North America and Canada. On the arctic is a (larger than needs to be) polar bear magnet. Barbagallo shifts the bear down from the arctic to the tip of Canada. He steps back, looks at map, looks at computer monitor and for a moment weakly nods his head in agreement. Then he looks at map and shakes his head vigorously. No, it’s all wrong! He moves the bear directly over MA and breathes a sigh of relief. He then runs to the window and peers through the blinds. Cut to close-up of the bear magnet, music swells in volume, cut to next scene]
Narrator:
The stress begins to take its toll.
[ Barbagallo walks down a city street. He sees advertisements featuring polar bears and starts at each one. We see him looking, and then see what he sees. Then it becomes a montage of fast moving bear mascot images: Icee, the Coca Cola Bears, a zoo advertisement, and Klondike bars ads, etc. Then a little kid wearing a polar bear mask comes up to him and growls. Barbagallo raises hand up as if to strike him, and the child runs away. Barbagallo scowls. Kicks soda can near his feet. Close up of can: after it stops rolling we see it is Polar Seltzer. Fade]
_______________________________________________________________________________
This nightmare scene appears unannounced, only eerie organ music and these scenes in slow motion, oblique angles: Bear with red tie steals girlfriend and drives off in Barbagallo’s car. Slowed down laughter and growls are heard in the background music. Bears everywhere he looks.]
[ Next scene, regular speed, regular angles. Barbagallo walks through old job door. He goes to pick up his last paycheck, and polar bear that drove off with girlfriend is at his old desk and talking on the phone. It turns its back to Barbagallo using the swivel chair.
[Next scene: Cut to close-up of hands testing a length of rope’s strength. Then we see the rope thrown over beam in bedroom with a noose on its end. Camera shot of chair being kicked out]
Long shot of road view blocked by two buildings, like margins. We can only see the center, but can hear an ambulance coming. We see it scream by in-between the buildings and then hear it fading away. ]
[Barbagallo wakes up in a hospital bed. The camera shows the view from Barbagallo’s eyes. A blurry shot that comes into focus on his girlfriend. This eye shot then moves to left and we see her polar bear boyfriend. Shot of Barbagallo screaming. A polar bear doctor rushes in.]
[Handheld shot now. Barbagallo screams louder, gets out of bed, and runs into the documentary camera. You hear the narrators voice in the room, (not as voice over) saying, “What’s wrong with him?” As he is saying this, you see the camera turn onto the narrator, who we see he is a polar bear too. The narrator says to cut it, and you see a polar bear hand shut off the camera.
-Fin-
