Old cartoon from Issue 1 of my "Killing Trees" zine, '93?

- House Call-

WARNING: SCIENCE FICTION

"No!" the old woman wailed, "I simply cannot live without my robot!"

            "Ma'am, you realize there was a time when people had no robot servants; a time when they did things for themselves?" I said this hunched over the 'bot I was repairing in the old bag's affluent neighborhood. I make my living repairing robots, but I can't stand them; or humanity's ever-growing reliance on them.  Life is absurd.
            The old lady bent down to tenderly stroke the machine's faceplate. "I don't want you thinking I'm one of those people who have them work while they sit around," she said," I'm just used to the sound of him humming in the room is all. Half the time I don't have him do anything."
            I tried to look apologetic as I said, "I'm sorry. He's gone. There's nothing I can do."  The woman was insured. She'd have another by that afternoon. 

The Spider and the Lazy Spider

Once there was a spider that let her lazy brother live with her. The lazy spider had no job, and spent most of his time on his sister’s couch.

“I’m going out tonight,” announced the spider grabbing her Spring bonnet; “to the wedding of the Owl and the Pussycat.”

“Well, good luck with that,” muttered the lazy spider from under his ratty blanket.

“Why don’t you do something with your life,” pleaded the spider to her sibling, as she adjusted her evening dress.

“I prefer not to,” the lazy spider sighed.

 “I think next year Pierre may ask me to marry him,” she mused.

“That’s fine for you,” remarked the lazy spider; “but did you know that 1 out of 2 marriages fail; ending in divorce? It won’t be long until the Owl leaves her for a younger cat.”

               “How can you know these things?” the spider asked adjusting her bonnet in a looking-glass. “All you do is get stoned and watch tv.”

               “Well,” said the lazy spider from the couch; “there’s something to be said for eating Cheet-os and watching PBS.”

               “Well, I don’t want that sketchy grasshopper friend of yours coming over anymore,” the spider said, applying some last minute rouge from her kit. “Every time he comes over the silverware seems to disappear.”

               “Oh.” mocked the lazy spider. “I didn’t realize my sister was a racist. He can’t choose his lifestyle, you know.”

               “What?” asked the spider turning on her brother. “That doesn’t even make any sense.”

               “It doesn’t have to.”

               The spider left, leaving the lazy spider alone with only the sound of the television. He looked across the room to a Spider Family coat of arms mounted on the wall. Under it, laid a dusty didgeridoo. The lazy spider’s eyes rested on it in the flickering light. Then, he sleepily pulled the blanket over him, and turned over amidst the strewn soda pop cans and Cheet-os wrappers.

               There was a sudden knock on the door, and a voice that could only belong to a stoned grasshopper bellowed, “Who likes to party?” The grasshopper let himself in, and hastily began eating from the fridge. “Say man,” he said through bites of cold mutton, “why don’t you dust off your old didgeridoo, and we go wail in the park like the old days? There’s only so many Cheet-os and television an insect can stand. Besides, there’s some ants there I want to piss off.”

               “Good idea,” said the spider, surprised at his own enthusiasm. “Let’s go!”

~There’s only so many Cheet-os and television an insect can stand, and always, undoubtedly, some ants to piss off.~

IF YOU HAVE A NAMETAG, PEOPLE WILL BELIEVE ANYTHING

If you have a nametag, people will believe anything.

                                                       – Danny Mendo

          

 I got a letter saying my high school reunion was on 11/24/00. I had absolutely no urge to see any of these people. Most of my friends were older kids from around my neighborhood, and anyone I did talk to was smart enough not to attend this shindig of past glories. I didn't know what to do after reading the ten-year reunion letter. I didn't want to see any of these people, but I  knew time could change people. I didn't want to go, but I was too curious not to go. The next day I was in my friend Dan's car and I brought my predicament up to him. The answer, he said, was simple: Allow him to go in my place. Impersonate me? Genius! I could find out what my classmates have become and he could hit on rich women and get free food and booze. To Dan's credit, he navigated well considering I could only give him a photocopied version of my yearbook with notes on the margins of who everyone was and my relationship to them, and a list I sent the class committee stating what I'd had been up to the past ten years.

We wanted to go in there with all the high quality sound equipment my brother could borrow from his sound engineer profession to record everything and pull Danny out if there was any trouble. This unfortunately fell through, so we went with a pocket tape recorder and cell phones. My brother and I purchased cheap fake mustaches in case anyone were to recognize us. We waited in the parking lot while Dan went in to impersonate me. My brother had the wheel. Were we trying to prove the sham nature of school allegiances? I'm not sure. Maybe I was just bored. In hindsight, I may have been a little harsh on these people.  Sure I grew up a lower middle class kid in a rich town dealing with all the bs that comes with it, but all that was years ago. At the very least this reunion may have given some people closure for being such tools.

When I received the "What have you been doing for the last 10 years?" form, I lied like a bastard. True, everyone does this to some extent; and to be honest, the basis of my info was real at least. Screw it. I knew they weren't going to check up on these facts.

Okay, I've never been married. Karen Finley is a performance artist I've read about. I've never been to Germany, nor have I ever toured Europe as the rhythm guitarist for power metal gods Accept.

Here's how I answered the committee form:

Tell us what you've been up to the past 10 years?

1990-Star Market: Stock, nightshift

1991-Attended North Shore Community College

        -Dishwasher at Beverly Yacht Club

1992-93-Sears, Shipping and Receiving

              -Dropped out of North Shore Community College

              -Married Karen Finley

1994-Divorced and toured Germany with Accept as their rhythm guitarist

1995-98 District Manager of Strawberries for the east coast

1999-present Newbury Comics. Clerk

Here's what they wrote:

Immediately after high school, Fred began working at Star Market in the stock Department. In 1991, Fred attended North Shore Community College while working at Beverly Yacht Club. From 1992-1993, Fred worked at Sears in Shipping and Receiving; he left NSCC and married Karen Finley. In 1994, Fred got divorced and toured Germany as a rhythm guitarist with the Heavy Metal Rock band "Accept". From 1995-1998, Fred worked as District Manager of Strawberries responsible for the entire East Coast. Fred currently works at Newbury Comics.

 Rather than compile facts, I thought it'd be cooler to hear what happened straight from the horse's mouth, so I decided to interview Dan for my zine. Due to the cost of paper and lack of drive I never got this last issue out.

          The interview took place at Dan's house at 12:00 p.m. on a rainy Sunday. Throughout this interview I've taken excerpts from the infiltration tape to give a better sense of what happened. Also, Danny pronounces hors d'oeuvres as something that sounds like whore's divorce. This whole thing is dedicated to RE/Search publishing who inspired this gag from their "Pranks" book. Anyway, check out their stuff, as all of it is quality. 

___________________________________________________________________________ 

Killing Trees: Why did you.choose the Kangol hat, parachute pants, and the "Do the Macarena!"  shirt as your outfit?

         

Dan: 'cause it was like a whole eighties thing. You know, you graduated pretty much like almost at the end of the eighties, and I figured they'd be playing a lot of eighties music, so I wanted to get totally in the spirit of the whole eighties thing so…I dressed like a breakdancer! And when I got there everyone's wearing nice clothes, like suits, and slacks, dresshirts…and I was dressed like a break-dancer so…it's pretty cool (laughter).

Killing Trees: I gave you my license, and you look nothing like me, were there any ID checks?

Dan: No, unfortunately. I wish there was, because I remember looking at the license thinking,"oh I hope somebody looks at this!", but nobody did that. Basically you just walked in and grabbed the nametag that said "Fred" on it. So that's all you really have to do. If you have a nametag people will believe anything.

Killing Trees: Was there a picture on the nametag, like how I used to look?

Dan: No, it just said: Fred-Timex employee (laughter). And I was like, I didn't know Fred worked for Timex? And you don't. I don't know where that came from.

Killing Trees: Was that the only reunion going on?

Dan: No! There was like five going on. I wanted to hit all of them. After I was done with that one I was going to hit all the other ones. I saw them walking by with trays. They had better hors d'oeuvres.

Killing Trees: Was anyone dancing at the party?

Dan: No! It was kind of lame. All the other reunions were swinging, but your reunion was kind of lame, everyone was just sitting there, talking and watching the slide show. Nobody was really dancing, but the music was playing.

Killing Trees: Describe what happened and your feelings from when we pulled up until you got the nametag.

Dan: I walked in thinking; all right- I'm Fred! (laughter). I walked in and looked around, and I saw everybody, so I tried to figure out who everyone was, from what little I remembered, and that cheat sheet with all the people on it. So I went over to this table with all these program guides and I saw the nametags, and I looked for the one that said Fred. I put it on and said, "All right. I'm Fred." Then I went over to the bar and from that point on:I was Fred.       

Killing Trees: Did you drink a lot?

Dan: Naw, not that much. I got a Gin and Tonic and they only had little glasses, because they ran out of big glasses. So the guy filled it with Gin , and he didn't have enough room to put the f**king Tonic in there, so he said if I wanted more Tonic to come back latter (laughter).

Killing Trees: Nice!

Dan: It was kind of weird.

Killing Trees: When they were showing the film, like, where did you sit?

Dan: I sat with these…the knuckleheads, the jocks, the meatheads (laughs), I was sitting there and I had a feeling… I had a feeling like, I think these guys are the jocks, because we're watching this slide show of the high school and all the pictures of everybody having a good time, whatever, badtime, just like hanging out. They showed a few pictures of some longhaired guy, and one of the guys I was sitting with said, "Man, that guy was a fag. All through high school he was really touchie-feelie. He's a fucking fag or something." And the other guys were like,"Yah, he's definitely a fag. Homo." Then they all laughed (imitates jocks) HUH HUH HUH. Then they all looked at me, so I had to laugh too, kinda like (imitates jocks again) "HUH HUH HUH, yeah I hate fags too guys." I didn't want to get my ass kicked. And then it got really scary because a picture of you came on, like the real Fred, and you were chilling on the stairs with some people and all of a sudden they kind of looked at me like "hmm, this is Fred right here." I just smiled at them like (jock voice), "Yeah, uh I hate fags too guys." (laughter) F**king meatheads.

Killing Trees: You had a tape recorder on you to record the conversations, and you told me about when you were in the bathroom trying to test it….

Dan: -yeah. I was trying to test the tape recorder, and I went in the stall 'cause the urinals were full, and I accidentally pressed play, so music was blaring out of the stall, and they must have been kind of puzzled. I can't remember what was on it, for some reason it sounded like Billy idol, but I doubt it 'cause I don't have any Billy Idol albums (laughs).

Killing Trees: Did you go up to anyone and talk to them? Or did you not want to get caught?

Dan: No! People just came up and talked to me-I had the nametag! (laughs). If you had the nametag people would just come up to you all full of sh*t. Like the first girl that came up to me was obviously so full of sh*t. She was like, "Oh Fred! I can't believe you're here!! It's so good to see you!!!!" And obviously if she was that looking forward to seeing me she would have known that I wasn't Fred at all. But I just played along, "Ah! Good to see you too." And I just did my line that I practiced all night, "Ah! How you doing? How you been?" (laughs)

Killing Trees: Yeah, I noticed on the tape there'd be pauses before they'd say your name, like they totally didn't recognize you, and had to read your tag.

Dan: Oh yeah, but…they'd just read the nametag and they'd believe it. Whatever the nametag says, it's gotta be true.

Killing Trees: You had a camera, did you take any pictures?

Dan: Yeah, I got one picture because I was getting my second drink at the bar, and I knew these weird broads were talking about me, I heard their muddled talking and I thought,"Oh great, these girls are gonna approach me." And then one of them was like:

                                                     Tape count: 364

Girl's voice: Fred?!? OH MY GOD! You look so different!

         Dan: Yeah. I've been sick.

Girl's voice: No. You look good.

          Dan: Oh yeah. I lost some weight.

Girl's voice: No. No. You look good.

           Dan: Yeah…yeah. You look good too.

                                                     Tape count 374

       And then we just started hanging out and then this drunk guy walked by and they were like…

                                                      Tape count 382 

Girl: Tim. Tim. Look who it is-it's Fred!

          Tim (slurring): FRED!!! FRED?!? WHAT'S UP BUDDY?!? YA DRINKIN' MAN!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! DUDE!! I'M WAY-STED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

           Dan: Yeah. Hey, why don't all three of you get together so I can get a picture of you guys. I haven't seen you in awhile.   

                                                      Tape count 387                                                       

       And they all did some stupid pose and I got a picture of them.

Killing Trees: Listening to the tape, it sounds like when ABBA's "Dancing Queen" kicked in that all hell broke loose. Can you describe….

        Yeah, that's when the jig was up. After that I was sitting there and some pretty foxy blond chick named Sally comes up to me…

                                                     Tape count 420-22

Sally(amazed): No WAY! You're not Fred.

         So we were looking at each other's nametags, and I was like: "You're not Sally." And we started talking, so I said, "oh you look good." Before she had a chance to say I look good, because I was sick of hearing people say that. So we're talking and all of a sudden someone grabs her and whispers, "Hey Sally. That's not Fred! That's not Fred! I know where he works and that's not him-"

          And then everyone started looking at each other, and there was this stony silence; then this blond chick flipped out…

                                                       Tape count 587                                                            

Sally (angry): What the hell! Who are you crashing our party?!?

          Dan: I'm not crashing your party. I'm Fred.

Sally: NO, YOU'RE NOT!!!!

                                                      Tape end 594

 Dan: And she ripped off my nametag and threw it in disgust!

                                                      

                                                             Tape count 594

Sally: YOU DON"T DESERVE TO HAVE THAT!!!!

         Dan: Dammit. I am Fred! I don't care what you people think!!!

                                                       Tape end 597

Dan: So I finished my Heineken and got the hell out of there as quick as I could.

Killing Trees: Yeah. And then we got the phone call with you saying, "The jig is up! The jig is up!" Did anyone follow you?

Dan: No, but if I stayed I probably would have gotten my ass kicked, because after my nametag was ripped off there was this silence and even the meatheads looked over and I was like, "Oh great. The meatheads aren't my friends anymore." I just got the hell out of there.

Killing Trees: Yeah. Then we left and drove around and a cop was following us, but I remember giving you my hat and jacket and you went in to get the program. Can you describe your feelings going in, and what you did to get the program?

Dan: I felt like Lucille Ball on " I Love Lucy", because I had to sneak in and it was the cheesiest costume. I had to walk in by all those people, but it worked out good because a waitress was walking by with a tray of food, so I just walked, like, in sync with her so my view was obscured by this tray of hors d'oeuvres. As soon as she turned a corner, I just ducked down and grabbed a program guide and ran the hell out of there.

Killing Trees: All right! That's it! No more questions.

 REUNION LOG NOTES

                                -5:30pm BUY FAKE MUSTACHE DISGUISE KIT

                             

                                  -8:15pm AJ CALLS, NO POWER FOR DIGITAL  RECORDER, DECIDE ON SMALL TAPE RECORDER.

                                    

                              

                                  -8:38PM ARRIVE AT DAN'S HOUSE

                             

                                  -8:41PM DAN INSULTS MY COVERT SOUL PATCH AND HEAVY METAL POWER MUSTACHE AS "LOOKING WICKED FAKE". 

                                             

                                             

                               8:42PM GAVE DAN MY LICENSE

                               

                               8:45PM TEST OUT TAPE RECORDER AND GET CELL   PHONES ON SPEED DIAL FOR QUICK ESCAPE

                              

                               9:10PM BUY DISPOSABLE CAMERA AND GO TO HOTEL PARKING LOT

                             

                               9:12PM ENTER PARKING LOT AND MARVEL AT NUMBER OF SUVS WITH BABY ON BOARD SIGNS.   

                             

                              

                               9:15PM DAN DEPARTS WITH OUR CAMERA AND PRAYERS AND TOLD TO CALL IN FIVE MINUTES

                               

                               9:24PM DAN CALLS AND ASKS WHEN I BECAME AN EMPLOYEE OF TIMEX

                              

                               9:43PM AFTER MUCH DELIBERATION WE DECIDE TO LEAVE DAN AND HIT THE HIGHWAY FOR COFFEE. SUDDENLY-DAN CALLS:

                               " DAN, WHAT'S WRONG?!?"

                               "I NEED CIGARETTES, JUST LIKE ONE (WHISPERS)  OH YEAH, I'M SITTING WITH THE JOCKS!!!"

                              

                               9:49PM PHONE RINGS, "THE JIG IS UP! MEET ME AT THE END OF THE STREET."  I PUT ON MY SWEATSHIRT HOOD EXPECTING TROUBLE

                               

                               9:43PM DAN GETS IN. NOONE IS FOLLOWING HIM. HE FORGOT THE PROGRAM GUIDE AND I BEG HIM TO GO BACK. I NEEDED TO KNOW IF THEY'D PRINTED MY TEN YEAR TIMELINE. MY BROTHER SAYS IT'S TOO RISKY.

                                

                               9:45PM A COP PULLS OUT BEHIND US AND       FOLLOWS US FOR TWENTY MINUTES, THEN PULLS OFF.

                                                                            

                               10:10PM DAN AGREES TO GO IN WITH MY OVERCOAT AND HAT PULLED  DOWN. HE RETURNS IN SECONDS WITH THE GUIDE.

                                                                               

                                        10:13PM WE LEAVE TO CELEBRATE.

Always Crashing in the Same Car

I'm sitting in David Bowie's smoking room in his mansion.This in and of itself isn't strange. It's the early eighties and he wants my opinion on his new music. He pushes play on an enourmous stereo system and a menlange of songs from his eighties period blast through the machine; but strangely none of the hits. He excuses himself from the room for a moment and when he returns he is dressed in his Thin White Duke phase. He just poses at me from across the room as if to ask if I thought it rocked sufficently. He excuses himself again and returns in another eighties outfit, each time with an ever present cigarette burning in his hand.  This goes on throughout the tape. At one point during his absence I hear what sounds like heavy machinery from the courtyard and peer through a stained glass window to view workmen moving a giant glass spider with a crane. Soon after Bowie returns dressed as Pagliacci the Clown from his "Ashes to Ashes" video. He sits in the easy chair across from me with greasepaint on his face and asks, "Well?" There is a clicking of the music ending and I'm dumbstruck towards what to say.  While I try to stammer out something polite, his beautiful wife enters the room and asks if I'd like an aperitif. This is when I wake up.