Day 14: FINAL TRANSMISSION

       We regret to inform you that Frederick Hagemeister passed away 13 days ago due to a lack of caffeine, one hour after he stopped drinking coffee. Apparently his body was so wired for a continuous caffeine supply, that his nervous system simply went into shock and fell apart. This message program was set in place to calm a populace alarmed by Fred’s passing.
        Here are Fred Hagmeister’s final words:
        [cough] I think the recorder is picking this up…If you can still hear me, for the love of God [cough cough] don’t stop drinking caffeine, don’t ever stop. Head to 7-11, buy yourself the largest drink they have. Tell the clerk you’re not a pansy; and to go out back and get you "The Conquistador." He’ll know what you mean. Don’t skimp on the Mountain Dew: NO ICE. [cough cough], excuse me… oh God, blood……
       Then, head behind the store and buy some trucker speed from Lenny. He’ll be the gentleman with the leather vest and mirrored shades. Blue Bombers, Red Bennies, Apple Greens, Yellow Jackets, Marching Pills, Brain Ticklers, Bumblebees, Red Horses, Dead Horses, Nightmare Alleys, Dance Fevers, Squirrels, Red Birds, Red Devils, Whizbangs, Highballs, Lowballs, No Balls, El Diablos, Trees and Mollets, Skeegers, Smurfs, Snorks, Boo Berries, Zulus, Cheetahs, Guinea Pigs, Scream in the Nights, Frydaddies, Shabus, Black Cadilliacs, Black Mollies, Blue Mollies, Blue Mollies Deluxe Supreme, Conger Eels, Bombardiers, Sycamores, Creepin’ Willies, French Dukes, Sargon of Akkads, Mike and Ikes, ~THE SHUFFLE~, Bert and Ernies, Bennies, Lennys, Squiggys, Laverenes, Shirlies, West Coast Turnarounds, Dr. Loves, Ace Frehely is the Best Guitarist in the Worlds, Ronald Reagans, and Christmas Trees, the whole rainbow. Buy them all so Lenny can retire with his old lady to Tunisia. Fine crop this year in Tunisia. Don’t ask his opinion of the wares, Lenny never touches the stuff. Cough syrup is how he gets his kicks.
       Now, take your baggie and pop handfuls like Skittles, and wash them down with the soda, or you could end up like me… don’t end up like me…. don't ever end up like me-cough, cough, hack, cough………… [END TRANSMISSION]