BRUSHES WITH GREATNESS: In Which I Recount the Times in My Life Wherein I Met the Rich and/or Famous and was Severely Disappointed by Fred Hagemeister

 

Tonight's Episode: Kobot: the Coca-Cola Robot

                                                                                           all pics via the coca-cola company 

            
             It was 1979, and all America's youth was excited about next year's premiere of the Empire Strikes Back. In the meantime, I was seven years old and living in Medford, MA.  In June of that year, my mother, my little brother and I waited for a bus outside of a Johnny's Foodmaster supermarket.  I was admiring the sunlight flashing off the chrome of the parked cars, when I heard a strange chirping noise. I turned around, but couldn't find anything beside a woman loading her car with groceries, and a white Coca-Cola van.
           There it was again! A series of beeps and chirps, definitely coming from the lot behind us. My brother and I craned our necks to locate the source, when suddenly, from the back of the Coca-Cola van, a robot came shuddering toward us over the cracked pavement. It was as short as I was, and it rolled to where we stood. It beeped again. My brother and I gave imploring looks to our mother, as if it were a playful stray dog that had trotted our way.
           It was white and chrome with Coca-Cola splashed across its front in red. I shaded my eyes to see more clearly this R2D2 rip-off in the midday sun. A mechanized voice said, " I am Kobot: The Coca-Cola Robot."   

           The robot asked my brother and I our names. It kept asking us if we were thirsty. It was thirsty. We knew it was thirsty. We knew it was thirsty because it kept telling us it was thirsty. It was very thirsty.  It was so very thirsty, in fact, that it couldn't stop talking about all the times it had been so very thirsty in the past. About how its parched circuits, on very long space flights, were quenched from a simple can of Coca-Cola; or even how, after a galactic battle (on a very humid planet, no doubt) it was very grateful for that one last drop of Coke to pour down its smoking valves.
           I never imagined that robots drank so much. I never imagined that robots cared so much about soda. In fact, I'd never seen a robot drink anything except for oil once on a Creature Double Feature matinee. This robot though, went on and on about how delicious an ice-cold Coca-Cola could be on a warm summer day. I began to wonder if maybe it was malfunctioning. The only time my mother looked annoyed was when it insulted us for the Pepsi we were sipping.
      Our bus arrived, and we said goodbye to the robot. It rolled on to another nearby family. In a moment, I would learn that things were not always as they seem. As the bus turned the corner of the supermarket, I spied a man with a feathery perm and a Coca-Cola jacket peering from around the back of the store. He talked into a device with an antenna.Through the open window of the bus, I heard both the robot and the gentleman speaking simultaneously. Betrayed by a soft drink corporation! A tiny piece of my childhood evaporated away like so much carbonation from a forgotten soda can.

                 A week later I was with my brother and mother at McDonald's for lunch. I was dipping a chicken McNugget into honey sauce when I saw, from the glass window in the dining area, the Kobot appear in the parking lot. I watched as it rolled down the van ramp, and traversed through the drive-thru lane. Drivers laid on their horns and attempted to swerve around it. My mother asked if my brother and I wanted to talk with the Kobot again. I didn't answer. I simply shook my head, and sipped my vanilla shake.
          I didn't even care when teenagers began pelting the Kobot with hamburgers and french fries. It did try to escape. It swiveled to the left, it swiveled to the right, but it's tiny wheels couldn't swivel fast enough for an escape. Through the window I could hear the teens' mocking laughter. Then the machine began beeping.  It sounded as if a button was stuck, or as if the Kobot was caught in some kind of program glitch. I didn't understand any of that at my age. From where I sat, it sounded like the thing was crying in distress.
          From the cola van, the operator appeared and dragged the wailing machine back inside. Then he leaned out of the back doors and shook his fist at the youths.
        As the van sped off, the beeping stopped and a robotic voice faintly repeated from inside, "Have a Coke and a smile. Have a Coke and a smile. Have a Coke and a smile..." until it was so far down the highway that we could no longer could hear it.
             I never saw the Kobot again. I imagine years later Coca-Cola took him back out for the Return of the Jedi premiere, but my path never crossed its tour of supermarts and car dealerships. Or maybe it was retired. Maybe the Coca-Cola Bottling Company realized that the country wasn't ready for a talking robot concerned with how America slakes its thirst. I know I wasn't ready. I don't think anybody was ready. God bless you, Kobot. Part can, part robot; you were my first -Brush with Greatness!