WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE STRANGLER? by Cold Pizza

pic from "The Boston Strangler," 1968

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE STRANGLER?

         I remember as a kid, as far as a type of killer, stranglers seemed to be everywhere. Whatever happened to them? Has strangulation fallen out of favor as the choice for today’s discerning murderer? With this era's easy availability of firearms, has strangulation gone the way of the blackjack, cyanide, and the poisoned dart?

        Also, were stranglers ever as interesting as portrayed in the movies? We had stranglers who whistled as they stalked. Stranglers with signature-colored ribbons they’d leave as calling cards around beautiful women’s necks. Some stranglers were seasonal, only appearing in the springtime or autumn. Some relegated themselves to certain geographical spots, like hillsides. Say what you like, the strangler had style! In fact, most dressed in suits or nice sweaters, and always donned the perennially en vogue black leather glove. Regardless of the fact that they were henpecked husbands or had mother issues, at least they left their mark in the world, even if that mark was only a garroting bruise around a victim’s neck.

         I was hoping Wikipedia would have a list of famous stranglers, but no luck. So here, as far as I could find, are a list of famous American stranglers. It is far from complete, and in true style of our blog some of the names are entirely made up. See if you can guess which! The correct answers are located at the bottom of the page.

1) The Boston Strangler

2) The Hillside Strangler

3) The Milwaukee Strangler

4) The Arbor Day Strangler

5) The Mid-Summer’s Eve Strangler

6) The Kiosk Strangler

7) The Clubfooted Strangler

8) The Blustery Day Strangler

9) The Cul-de-sac Strangler

10) The Greater Metropolitan Area of Cambridge Proper Strangler

11) The Smoker’s Cough Strangler

12) The Poolside Strangler

13) The Library Deposit Box Strangler

14) The Thanksgiving Day Parade Strangler

15) The Mezzanine Strangler

16) The Woodchuck Cider-breathed Strangler

17) The Politically Incorrect Strangler

18) The Ol’ Soft Shoe Strangler

19) The Yodeling Strangler

20) The Handless Strangler

Answers: Which did you guess? 1 and 2? Correct!! You've got your hands gripped tightly around the situation and you've squeezed out the correct choices. Only 1 and 2 are the names of real stranglers! Well, maybe 3. It sounds real enough. We weren't sure. We here at the office of A stumbling mass of high-energy frustration are incredibly lazy when it comes to research. For example, from my desk I can see our encyclopedia used as a paperweight. At least we're using it for something.