LIVING SAINT

                       #16 in a series of daily one-act, one scene plays


[ACT I, Scene I, two friends stand on a roof, one is dressed in robes]


MAN [sighs]: So explain this to me again.

ROBED MAN: It's simple. In order to be declared a saint by the Catholic Church, you must be seen three times after your death.

MAN: But you're not dead.

ROBED MAN: That's the beauty of it. One day I will be. Until then, all I have to do is lay low and once in awhile make a miraculous appearance and reap in the accolades, thereby ensuring my legend.

MAN: I'm pretty sure you need to do more than that to be canonized.

ROBED MAN: What's canonized?

MAN: See! I mean, dude, you dropped out of Sunday School before even communion.

ROBED MAN: I don't need school, man! I'm living it. Now, did you send my death notice to the newspaper obituary?

MAN: Yeah, but I think the Church would check into that. I mean, if they were even going to consider making you a saint, which I don't think they are-

ROBED MAN [interrupts]: The plan's foolproof. I just need you to get down on the street and wait for me to use the zipline. You remember what to say?

MAN [deadpan and bored]: "Hey, look up there everybody. It's my old buddy who died two days ago, except he's in an angelic robe."

ROBED MAN: Right. And then I'll use the zipline to "fly" between the buildings and you'll say..

MAN: [same tone]: "Oh wow. He must be a saint now. Hallelujah. Spread the word."

ROBED MAN: And then you place the statute I've had made of myself at the Catholic Mission and-

MAN: I'm not doing that.

ROBED MAN: But that's essential! My stone hands are holding out a plate for believers to place money in. You take the money back to my hiding place, and we live like kings.

MAN: This is wrong on so many levels, dude.

ROBED MAN: No,no. Don't worry, we'll leave some of the money for the nuns. I mean, I have to eat. Living saints have to eat.

MAN: What makes you think I can A) move a heavy statue of you to the Mission without being seen, and B) even if people believe this is real (which they won't) what's to stop the nuns from taking all the money or even letting me near enough to get the money? I remember nuns. They hit.

ROBED MAN: Hmm, well then I'll have to take the money. I'll just make a miraculous appearance every once in awhile, maybe when I'm on my way to buy cigarettes. All we'll need are some smoke bombs and a CD of Handel's "Messiah." [looks down at street] Woah, it's 6 o'clock-rush hour! Get on the street. Go! Go, go, go, go, go!


[exit man]

[robed man trips and ends up only able to touch his toes on the ledge as he hangs by the zipline. He can't muster enough speed to move one way or the other between the buildings]

WOMAN'S VOICE [offstage]: Look up there! A man is jumping.

OLD MAN: He must be crazy, look at his robe.

ANOTHER WOMAN: I've called for help, I can hear the sirens coming.

ROBED MAN [flailing]: Dammit. I'm a saint you people! I died two days ago and have returned!

OLD MAN: What's he saying? He is crazy.


                                          (curtain)